Shows that will never be included: True Blood

There are many shows that will never be included in the All-Television All-Stars, though the reasons vary. Inspired by yesterday's season premiere, I wanted to point one out: True Blood, a show I once loved, then hated, then kind of love-hated, but now am mostly meh about.

First, the big reason True Blood will never be included: it's season finale will run before the first weekly All-Star list. So in fact, its inclusion is less due to opinion and more about the fundamental way time works.

But, for the sake of argument, lets say there was a way True Blood characters could be included on the list. If, temporally speaking, this were possible, it would still be impossible for another reason, which is complicated but which I will attempt to distill down into a single sentence: True Blood has the worst characters on television.

This isn't an insult to the actors, who all have worked very admirably to make the most of their roles. I particularly admire Anna Paquin's work as main character Sookie, because I find myself liking her despite the fact that her character's fundamental motivations switch three times an episode, her "special powers" (mind-reading and the ability to shoot shiny light out of her hands) make no sense and seem to come and go as is convenient for how much Sookie should know/be in peril, and that she behaves like a shameless slut (and not even in a hot way, though sometimes she pulls that off, too).

Warning: Spoilers for the season premiere of True Blood ahead.

In the first season, True Blood had great characters, or at least appeared to. I loved the first season of True Blood, which at the time I attributed to the characters and the writing, but subsequently I've become suspicious was due to how 'new' and 'different,' it was from everything else on television, or perhaps from the fact that instead of characterization there were characters with secrets. These secrets made, say, Eric seems mysterious and complex, but in fact he just really likes the taste of faeries. As the secrets fell away, the characters began to ring somewhat hollow, and the sprawling plot lines haven't helped.

From the season premiere, I can say confidently that none of the players on this show are up to making the All-Television All-Star Team. With so many main characters whose characters sum up to "Supernatural Love Interest for Sookie," it should not be shocking that most of them have nothing to do besides either a) pine for Sookie, b) pretend to love someone who isn't Sookie, or c) get stuck in the infuriating loop of fighting with Sookie right before she decides to screw her values and literally screw. Sookie herself has made zero progress as a character throughout the run of the show, and is now mostly irrelevant to the most interesting aspects of the plot. All of the women on the show besides Sookie are dead (RIP, Tara, though your character has always been the worst), pointless (every waitress on the show who isn't Sookie), or wandering aimlessly (Willow, Pam, Jessica and her hunger-strike) with nothing to do. It also certainly doesn't help that the show's arguably best character, Eric, is "presumed dead," which is True Blood codespeak for "definitely alive, but off on a time-killing plot line before his inevitable return to relevance."

The make matters worse, the show has managed to get a main plot line (infected, crazy vampires versus all normal people and nice vampires) that has managed to marginalize nearly all of the characters. The premiere seemed to be playing up a divide in the human ranks of Bon Temps, with one side being represented by eleventh-lead Andy Bellefleur and the other one by a bunch of people we've never met who aren't worth naming. With so few good characters, do we need more bad ones?

Despite all this, I'm going to finish out with True Blood. I have a hard time not following through a show to its end once I've spent more than a season or so watching it (hence why I'm still watching New Girl), and there was a brief period in my life where I liked the show so much that I remain unable to let go of the idea that it might miraculously return to form. There's still time to kill off half the cast and make this right.